Archives for July 2023

Our mind is a powerful tool, and to use it, one has to control it. The mind has been a subject in most books, or how ideas are channeled and made into reality. Studies have shown it can create and recreate the ideal or even relieve the worst and self-made monsters.

According to Earl E. Bakken Center for Spirituality & Healing, University of Minnesota, the mind is not synonymous with the brain because it consists of mental states such as thoughts, emotions, beliefs, attitudes, and images; and the brain is the hardware that allows us to experience these mental states.

These mental states can be fully conscious or unconscious and include emotional reactions to situations without the awareness of why we are reacting. Like when coping with troubling thoughts, especially if there is a sudden change in our routine, emotionally affected or stressed out or about our unresolved past or even present, creating that anxiety and fear. Each mental state has a physiology associated with it—a positive or negative effect felt in the physical body. For example, the mental state of anxiety causes you to produce stress hormones. This phenomenon happens because our mind is the entry point of our body and is connected so that what we put in our mind is manifested in our actions, life, and even health. 

NOT all negative thoughts are unhealthy 

Healthy, thinking does NOT mean positive thinking! Bad things happen, like getting fired at work, a recent argument with a friend, or losing someone you love – feeling upset and having negative thoughts is normal and healthy for these situations but not for a long time, like a month or more every time.  

There are times when negative thoughts are realistic and can be helpful to find different ways of looking at the situation, though. 

When we dwell too much or too long on feelings or ways of thinking, we can easily fall into thinking traps that lead to more unrealistic and unrestrained negative overthinking. One of the most common thinking traps is labeling or saying only negative things about yourself or others. There are also the should and what if statements, or telling yourself how you should or must, or what if this or that happens. You can check the list online or check this site: https://www.anxietycanada.com/articles/thinking-traps/. 

Sometimes our mind interprets a situation that can get distorted, and we only focus on the negative aspects—this is normal. 

However, when we interpret situations negatively or too much, we might feel worse, and it will worsen. Our mind can take us anywhere and whenever, and we need to control it. It is like a horse. It can run wild when a rider cannot hold it.

Here are the four habits you can try to help rid of untrue thoughts and emotions that are often baseless.

Habit 1: Mindfulness – This is a trend lately, and almost everyone is eager to try this. This habit is the practice of purposely bringing our attention to the present moment. Based on the Buddhist and Hindu teachings on the journey towards enlightenment, where attention, awareness, and being in the present – are considered the first step. 

It encompasses two key components: awareness and acceptance.

In a day, our minds drift and wander, and when we are mindful when our minds drift, it is easier to lead it to focus on the now or in the moment. Practicing this habit will make our minds recognize our purpose. Being mindful will make us see our life as a whole and just one life to live, the same person despite the many roles or tasks given. It is not like a person with a dissociative personality where multiple personalities emerge within the person. 

This technique is also frequently used in meditation and certain kinds of therapy. The benefits include lowering stress levels, reducing harmful ruminating, and protecting against depression and anxiety.

Research suggests mindfulness can help people better cope with rejection and social isolation.

Let us practice this habit by being grateful, starting with words of appreciation for our day, for ourselves upon waking up, and reviewing what we have done after a day of work or duty before going to sleep. In our review, we can look into the pleasant and unpleasant things we did. We can be more creative and add a more concrete resolution for the unpleasant things and try to do something about it in the next coming days.  

When we acknowledge the many things and people around us and recognize that things can happen differently from what we expect- our minds are more relaxed and focused. A relaxed mind is a peaceful mind with a calm body.

For people with religious beliefs, this can be a practice of the virtue of “Presence Of God – that when one is aware of the omnipresence of God, one will not dwell on emotions or thinking that is pointless, baseless, and would provide them that the only choice to make is to move forward, move on or progress on another phase. 

Habit 2.Self Control. This virtue is known as temperance. It is called chastity or the control of our sexual appetite; modesty or discretion on our intimacy of self and others could be in clothes we wear or speech; and sobriety, which is the moderation in eating and drinking. 

To have self-control is to moderate our impulses, drives, and pleasures. It is also one step to self-mastery. Think that everything we have in this world is an instrument and not for us to get with less we overdo it. When we lose control, we know from experience that we feel sorry for ourselves and regret it. 

Temperance consists of submitting our pleasures to the control of reason, a task requiring effort. When we cannot control our passions, it can lead to vice (or to seek satisfaction as if it were an end and not a means). 

Our bodies need to eat and drink to preserve our health, and when we eat incorrectly will cause discomfort. The same is true when we lack mastery of our pleasures; we develop extremities that are harder to prevent. This virtue is not to deprive ourselves of our gratification, however moderating it.  

According to the Marshmallow Test by Walter Mischel in the 1970s, children who were willing to delay gratification and waited to receive the second marshmallow ended up having higher SAT scores, lower levels of substance abuse, lower likelihood of obesity, better responses to stress, better social skills as reported by their parents, and generally better scores in a range of other life measures.  

This show that if a person wants to succeed at something, at some point, they will need to find the ability to be disciplined and take action instead of becoming distracted and doing what is easy. To be successful in any field requires you to ignore doing something easier (delaying gratification) In favor of doing something hard (doing the work and putting in your reps). We can train our ability to delay gratification, just like training our muscles in the gym.  

Thus, when we do not do things in moderation or within our reason, then chaos happens. It is the same as how we think. When we lack this virtue, everything goes out of control.

Habit 3. Sacrifice.

When a person loves, it is not about the feeling of awe or the highs of it. True love is not about the sensations felt alone but is about sacrifice. To will the good of the beloved, a person who truly loves denies his happiness over the happiness of his beloved; what a paradox, but great relationships emerge from this and not on the mere idea that loves equates to everlasting. 

Long-lasting marriages thrive because of this conscious choice to sacrifice to yield to give to what the beloved wants.  When we have a conscious effort to make small sacrifices, our minds are much more centered, not daydreaming or lost on their own. 

When we make sacrifices, we concentrate on our goals, productive and organized. An example could be when we are irritated with a person because of some qualities – instead of nurturing the feeling of irritation, try to find a good quality of the person and highlight it. Difficult, but that is where the sacrifice is-life is not easy, but we are coping.

This only means that discomfort would not hurt – so demand a little more of yourself that instead of being irritated, instead smile at the person and wish something good for the person or your improvement (like health, a great day, compassion, understanding). When you are conscious of unpleasant emotions, you also find ways to discover where and how it is happening, and before you know it- you are not as irritated and have developed some traits that make you a better person.

Habit 4: Pray

Prayer has a personal meaning for everyone with a religious background or spiritual practice. Prayer meant specific sacred words for some or informal talking or listening to God or a higher power for others. Prayer is rooted in the belief that there is a power greater than oneself and influences life. It is raising our hearts and minds to God or a higher power. Surveys indicate that nearly 90% of patients with serious illnesses pray to alleviate their suffering or disease. Prayer is the single most widely-practiced healing modality. 

In a research conducted by Dr. Christina Puchalski, Director of the George Washington Institute for Spirituality and Health, prayer is the second most common method of pain management (after oral pain medication). It is the most common non-drug method of pain management.

The following explanations of how prayer helps improve health:

• The relaxation response – prayer elicits the relaxation response, which lowers blood pressure and other factors heightened by stress.
• Secondary control – prayer releases control to something greater than oneself, which can reduce the stress of needing to be in charge.
• The placebo response – prayer can enhance hopes and expectations, and that, in turn, can positively impact health.
• Healing presence – prayer can bring a sense of a spiritual or loving presence and alignment with God or an immersion into a universal unconsciousness.
• Positive feelings – prayer can elicit feelings of gratitude, compassion, forgiveness, and hope, all are associated with healing and wellness.
• Mind-body-spirit connection – when prayer uplifts or calms, it inhibits the release of cortisol and other hormones, thus reducing the negative impact of stress on the immune system and promoting healing.

One famous prayer is the poem Nada de Turbe by St Teresa of Avila. 

Original Spanish Text

Nada te turbe,

nada te espante,

todo se pasa;

 Dios no se muda.

 La paciencia

 todo lo alcanza;

 Quien a Dios tiene,

 nada le falta;

 Solo Dios basta.

English Translation

 Let nothing disturb you,

 nothing surprise you,

 all things pass;

 God does not change.

 Patience wins everything;

 whoever holds onto God

 lacks nothing;

 God alone is enough.   

St. Teresa suffered in her earthly life, but with her constant prayer, she was able to transcend from it. We have to do things that our future selves will be thankful for. So let us feed our minds wisely. A passage from the Bible in Philippians 4:8 summarizes this: “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.”

Our mind will always believe everything we tell it, so it is up to us. For our mental wellness, we should fill it with truth, love, and all that is good, and when the mind is well, the body is well, and the manifestation of this wellness is doing it well, what is proper and what is good. Pope Francis also affirms this when he said: “Think well, feel well and do well.”

So I hope you can try these habits and be patient with yourself. 

It will take time might as well start today!

Disclaimer: This article is not to heal mental illnesses but an option for mental wellness.

Can you remember when your parents or teachers tell you to keep quiet when someone is still talking or when they say to talk kindly to others? Well, they were right to tell us those reminders even when we have no idea why. Now, as an adult, that simple reminder taught us many things. We learned that communication is the root of all relationships, and it has to have a speaker and a receiver. It is the very same principle our parents and teachers taught us. This basic rule is also known to every gracious woman. A gracious woman is a gift, and she possesses an innate genius that is entirely hers, one of which is her elegant speech, refinement, and knowing what words to say and act to discuss her cause or make a point without a commotion.

So here are some tips to have the elegant quality:

Avoid mixed-messages

One of the most common mistakes people get to have is sending off mixed messages and creating different expectations toward one another.

The reel world filled us with these in a vast choice of movies (romantic comedies, adventure, and others) that we forget that the real world is entirely the opposite! So always speak according to your actions or vice-versa, with no contradictions. Note that 93% of our communication is non-verbal and will always show in our tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, or gestures.

Show Respect at all Times

In arguments or conversations, the point is not to win. It is not making others agree with us. It is okay to disagree. We converse to learn from someone else.
Everyone has their unique perception of things or situations, even when you think they do not raise a point.
To listen and give attention to hear them would mean a lot.Do not assume that people have the same insights as you, and do not think your views are the only valid ones because the view of the other might be better or improve your ideas.

Speak the Truth always

A person with integrity would always do what is right, choose what is right, and imbibe truth. In a conversation, honesty is a must. No matter what happens, telling the truth is better than a white lie. Even when others will disagree or will not do so, a woman of grace will always choose what is true no matter the consequence. Speak of it as much as you can, with clarity, love, and gentleness. Concealed truth out of fear builds tension and big walls.

Seek first to understand than be understood

In talking with someone, we knew that we would listen with the intent to reply, not to understand. When we are in a conversation, our minds automatically formulate a reply. When this occurs, we decide prematurely what the other person meant before they finish their statements. We listen autobiographically: Evaluating, Probing, Advising, and Interpreting that we forget to understand. For a more productive conversation, we have to listen actively and empathetically. With this, more people would trust and have confidence in us.Use positive statements and humor.

Whatever the situation is, use positive statements and good humor.

Whenever you talk to someone, show the kindness you want others would show you. Upbuilding speech or words of encouragement will also produce positive feelings in others. Thus, when one needs a positive comment, initiate it.
This positive feedback should not cover a correction or a false compliment. Adding the right amount of humor and positivity would brighten our day and others.

So ladies, think of the word you speak because this also says a lot about who you are.

These days, we hear young and old speaking these, even in our music, movies, books, and even artworks. As gracious women, we must always say words that are true, honorable, upbuild, and gives off love.

It wasn’t long ago when social media didn’t even exist in our lives. Now, almost everyone has their own social media account. Social Media has its advantages when used positively and effectively. It can inspire others, reach more people, find successful businesses, sometimes find love, bridge distances and learn from others. But unfortunately, there is a tendency that the use of our social media can portray us in a bad light and may lead to unsatisfactory results. As women, we also have to bring in class or well mannered when using our social media.

Here are 7 Classy LadyLike Social Media Etiquette to follow:

Don’t overshare

Even if social media is a place for us to share our day, our thoughts, and our milestones, remember, it is still a public space where you have only acquaintances, work colleagues you barely talk to in your company, old classmates you haven’t spoken to in years, a relative you don’t know personally and a friend of a friend of a friend. Nobody needs to know everything in your life that was reserved for family and close friends only. Safeguard your privacy with vigilance. Anyway, the mystery is one of the allure of a classy woman. Be mysterious. Sharing is fine but never overshare.

Don’t rant

We all have those (bad) days. Often, we treat our social media accounts, especially our Facebook and Twitter accounts, as the cool best-friend we often vent out to. But no, they are not our cool best-friend. We don’t lash out, vent, and rant on our social media accounts for the whole world to see our meltdown and raging emotions. Take a deep breath, step away from your phone or computer, and pause. It is tempting to make our social media a quick, easy therapy session for our current emotional anguish, but we need not. Call a trusted friend, your sister, your mother, or a reliable older mentor who will hear you out and guide you with the best intentions. If you open up to social media, you are opening yourself up to unnecessary judgments, criticisms, poorly-guided advice, and sources of gossip.

Be mindful of the photos you post

Make sure to post photos that are inspiring, flattering, and tasteful. Don’t share the pictures of drunken late-night sessions with your girlfriend; in your underwear or nighttime lingerie; unflattering or unladylike posts with your tongue out, legs apart, your bra strap hanging out; seeing you being rambunctious and not presenting yourself as a woman should.

Be mindful of tagging other people.

Be careful when tagging other people. Some people are protective of their privacy. Ask permission first from the other person if they want to be ‘tagged’ on your post. Check also if the other people in the photos have gotten a good picture of themselves for group photos. They may be embarrassed to see a photo of them on social media that didn’t look good, and you posted it anyway.

Don’t share foul humor videos and celebrity gossip links.

Don’t share those foul green funny videos, reels, or comics sent to you by your kid brother. It is not good to repost celebrity gossip links like you’re a Gossip News Correspondent. When you post on social media, it also creates an image of you- sometimes, it is not congruent with who you are. You post a funny, vulgar joke; they think you are unsophisticated. If you post celebrity gossip, you come off as gossip. Like you do post those things, and you became those things.

Avoid crass, vulgar language.

Avoid crass, vulgar language. A lady is always mindful of the words that come out of their mouth. The same goes for those words they type in social media. They should be bearers and messengers of words that inspire, are positive, and are beautiful.

Don’t spam

Use social media sparingly. Don’t post every minute of the day or upload every quote you want to share or share daily. Post sparingly and think before doing so.
I blogged and wrote about my current social media usage and how I use each platform intentionally. You can read it here: https://littlemisshoney.com/social-media-you-me-a-look-on-our-current-social-media-use/

Think first before publishing or commenting on posts.

Lastly, think and pause before posting or commenting on any posts. Social media is an open space where people are easily misinterpreted, judged harshly, and triggered by other people’s feelings or thoughts. Be mindful always.

This time is a great way to reflect on how we present ourselves on our social media accounts. It is good to check on how we can utilize social media as a space to connect with like-minded people, be a model to others, and keep in touch with family & friends, always with grace and class